Monthly Archives: January 2015

The Impossible Dream: coping with impossible people

Rambles

Anytime people work or live in close proximity with one another there is bound to be conflict.  It would be nice if we could have a symbiotic connection, knowing that each of us needs what the others have to contribute; however, the reality is that we often find ourselves in situations that are cacophonous rather than harmonious.  Most of the time people can work through conflicts.  Sometimes, sadly, people find themselves at an impasse because at least one person refuses to compromise and find a solution that benefits all.

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I am cognizant of the fact that at one time or another that impossible person is me.  In those times I’m not open to suggestions or advice because as far as I’m concerned, I’m not at fault. I didn’t do anything wrong. I was falsely accused, and no one understands me. It usually happens when I go into a situation with a preconceived idea of how I want the interaction to go and the solution I want to arrive at, only to be unprepared for differing opinions and feeling like no one is listening to me…rejected.  There was also a time when I was confronted with something I did wrong, and instead of taking responsibility and asking for guidance in how I should improve, I became defensive and denied my wrongdoing while knowing full well that I was at fault.  Anyone else done that?  Sure you have.

I found this article on wikiHOW.com entitled How To Deal With Impossible People, and I can’t improve on what was said.  So, click the link and read their advice for handling conflict and long-term management of impossible people.  I also found a wonderful article on Chabad.org, The Mirror Theory.  The Baal Shem Tov (the founder of Hasidic Judiasm) theorized that when confronted by difficult people, the negative emotions we experience are due to the fact that we recognize those unfavorable behaviors in ourselves, and these are opportune times for self reflection and examination.

Some basic characteristics of impossible people are arrogance, fault-finding, and being antagonistic.  Therefore, I need to cultivate the opposite attributes of humility, being complementary, and kind.

Humility is having and demonstrating a modest estimate of ones own importance.  It’s not about putting oneself down; it’s simply being honest and recognizing ones own strengths and weaknesses.  This works wonderfully with being complementary and recognizing where another’s strength can supply my lack.  Finally, to be kind and act in ways that are good and beneficial to others.

I find it interesting that C.S. Lewis, in his book The Great Divorce, described hell as people living as far away from each other as possible with no interaction with one another.  God’s intention is that we should live together in families and communities.  Interestingly, in Israel there was a study that proved that people who lived on kibbutzim (communal settlements) had longer and healthier lives than those who lived in cities.  On a kibbutz, everyone owns everything and no one owns anything, and these communities were the backbone to Israel’s early survival and economic productivity.

So the age old question:

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One of My Defining Moments

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defining moment

Three years ago I experienced a defining moment that altered me in profound ways.  That moment was when I crossed the finish line of my first marathon.  If there was ever someone least likely to accomplish this feat, it was me, and I crossed that finish line after most people had gone home and the race organizers were tearing down the scaffolding…dead last.

A lot of people would consider finishing dead last a shameful failure, and for a long time I was embarrassed to tell people what my finishing time was.  That was until I read a blog post by another runner who had finished that same marathon.  His blog recap of the race is pretty technical…describing his pace at each mile and his strategy for making his time goal. I found it interesting that as I read his account of his experience I was re-living mine.  He crossed the finish line in about 3 hours 15 minutes.  I did a quick math problem in my head to figure out how long afterward I crossed the line, and it was 4 hours later.  My official finish time was 7 hours and 13 minutes.  I wondered if he could have kept going at his pace for another 4 hours, and then it occurred to me that I accomplished something pretty special.  I didn’t quit, and I received the exact same medal and finishers shirt as the person who “won” the race.

I use quotes around the word “won” for a purpose.  Because even though I was the last person across the line that day, I have gained so much from that experience.  There is a boldness and a confidence in me that was unleashed, and I no longer struggle with self-doubt and depression.  I no longer shrink back from conflict.  I can stand and face any challenge life throws at me.  The most valuable lesson I learned is that in a marathon, as in life, there is no such thing as “last place.”  There are only “final finishers.”  And even though I was that final finisher I still accomplished something that very few ever do.

Back in October 2014 I received a phone call from the organizers of the Mankato Marathon.  Each year they create video featuring 3 runners who they believe have an inspiring and bold story to tell.  This year I was honored that they asked for my story to be included.  The video just came out today.  It’s about 6 minutes long.

Who Will Stand With Me?

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When I was in 8th grade, my English class read the play The Diary of Ann Frank.  The teacher assigned parts, and we read it out loud in class.  I was honored to read the part of Ann.  This was the first time I learned about the Holocaust.  The story gripped my heart.  Within the next year I read The Hiding Place by Corrie Ten Boom.  Throughout my teens and early adulthood I devoured everything I could to learn about what happened in Europe from 1933 through 1945.  I was particularly struck by the accounts of non-Jews who opened their hearts and homes and hid Jewish people at the peril of their own lives.  These heroes, the rescuers, are awarded the honor of being named as The Righteous Among The Nations, and it does my heart good to know that there were many who had the courage to stand in the face of evil and do the right thing.

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In times of conflict, people find themselves cast in one of three roles:  the perpetrator, the victim, or the bystander.  Most of us like to think of ourselves as innocent bystanders; however, there really is no such part to play.  Really, there are only two roles–perpetrator or victim.  If you stay silent you empower the perpetrator.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

Edmund Burke

If I lived during the time of the Holocaust, what would I have done?  I had a profound experience when I first asked myself that question.  It was in the form of a prayer, “Lord, if the Holocaust were to happen now, do I have the courage and the strength of character…would I have hidden the Jews?”  God spoke to me, and what He said shook me to the core.  He said, “You’re Jewish.  You would have to be hidden.”  That never occurred to me.  While I knew my father was Jewish, it was never part of my identity.  In fact, per Nuremberg Code, all it took was for one grandparent to be Jewish for a person to be condemned.  It did not matter whether that person worshiped in a synagogue, a church, or anywhere.  If one grandparent was Jewish, that person is Jewish.

The fact of the matter is that this type of evil is operating in the world today.  Many people groups are suffering.  There are many accounts of heinous crimes against humanity all over the world.  Right now attention is on France and the terror siege that gripped Paris and the surrounding area.  How should I respond?  What should I do?

I am not anyone important.  I am a middle-aged working mother who lives in the heartland of the United States.  Nonetheless, there are organizations I can align myself with.  I can participate in social media.  I can write a blog (thank you for reading this, by the way!).  What I thought I should do is link to the various organizations I am aligned with, and tell their stories.  In this small way I am standing with those who are suffering, and hope that someone will stand with me.  Who will stand with me?

Vision for Israel (humanitarian aid)

Dry Bones campaign to Help Fight Antisemitism

International Fellowship of Christians and Jews (humanitarian aid)

Center for Jewish-Christian Understanding and Cooperation (scholarly activities)

Knesset Christian Allies Caucus (government)

Eagles Wings

The Day of Prayer for the Peace of Jerusalem

Caroline Glick (journalist)

Bridges for Peace

Hebrew for Christians

Hope Positive Africa (empowering women)

World Vision

…and there are many more organizations and individuals who are doing remarkable things to stand and ease the pain of those who are suffering.  The needs are enormous, but any little bit we can do helps.